Step 1

I have wanted to do this for a while...document my efforts to reclaim my happiness while figuring out how to be a good mommy to my four little ones, be a better wife to my husband, and learn to love who I am once again.

Currently, I am 40lbs overweight. I wear sweats or pajamas daily. even out of the house. I don't do my hair or make up. I lose my temper too much. I can't keep my house clean. I am incredibly depressed most of the time. I have a 1,2,3, and 4 year old who I know are not getting the best of me despite the fact that they are the only reason I go on living some days.

I really hate me right now. But I want to stop hating me. I know I can do better. I know I can BE better. I just need to figure out how to do it one step at a time. Currently, I have the following hurdles in my way:

1. I am extremely overweight.
2. I eat horribly.
3. I never exercise.
4. I don't sleep normally.
5. I am unhealthy (current cholesterol is 310, low thyroid)
6. I yell at my kids when I get angry.
7. I get angry too easily.
8. I am obsessively picking at my toenails to the point of making them bleed daily.
9. I can't keep my house clean.
10. I dress like a homeless person.
11. I have no interests or hobbies.
12. I look awful-no hair, no makeup, no effort...ever.
13. I have lost all my confidence in teaching and am unsure how I can ever go back.
14. I am a compulsive online shopper and I can't seem to make myself stop.
15. I just really hate me.

I guess my intention for this blog is for me to have some type of documentation of how I overcame these obstacles and reached my goal of being a healthy, happy mother, wife, and woman. Maybe by documenting it privately, I will hold myself more accountable?

My goals are:
1. lose weight
2. get rid of junk in my world (both physical and emotional)
3. Do something loving each day with each of my kids NO MATTER WHAT.
4. Be more loving to my husband.
5. Learn to eat healthy again.
6. Manage my health issues so that I can be healthy.
7. Find a hobby or interest and learn to take "me" time.
8. learn to manage cleaning my house daily.
9. Make progress steadily
10. Stop spending money unnecessarily

I also just need a place to vent, to write down my thoughts, to organize my mind, to...well...just some other stuff. So there really is no rhyme or reason to the posts or their purpose...I am hoping it will be a motivational tool for me if I ever get stuck like this again!

My goals for Saturday are:
1. Get my next two curves sessions scheduled.
2. Figure out a different WW meeting to go to.
3. Do 30 minutes of some type of exercise.
4. Organize for 30 minutes.
5. Clean for 60 minutes.

If I can do those 5 things, I will let myself feel good...I think?